The past few days have been, and I'm not being dramatic in saying this, heart wrenching. I never expected for this race to hold so much physical, but also emotional and spiritual investment.
Last Sunday, when Jeff and I were on our twenty mile run, I started experiencing pain just below my right knee cap. We stopped by mile 10 because it became very painful. I rested it, iced it, cross trained this past week and tried again yesterday. More pain. And worse pain. After 9 miles I couldn't run anymore. And I couldn't hold back my tears anymore, either. I spend the remaining two hours of what was supposed to be my run walking and told Jeff to keep going.
Over Saturday and Sunday, I had a hard time holding myself together. I feel like such a crazy person. Here I am, standing at church, explaining my injury to a concerned member of our community, and I can hardly keep my tears in check. When talking to Jeff about these emotions of disappointment, he reminded me of how much of ourselves- our time, energy, prayers, thoughts, hopes- we have put into this race over the past four months. This race is what carried me through my work visa crisis. This race is what kept me energized when I was feeling down and overwhelmed. This race is what God has used to teach me over the past four months.
So, why I am feeling so disappointed? I have become extremely emotionally and spiritually invested in this process to the point that the possibility of not being able to do this brings up immense physical pain and sadness in my very soul. To be completely honest, from the time I started feeling this pain, I've been angry with God. I know it sounds ridiculous but I can't help thinking, why me? why this? why now? God, haven't you taught me enough in the past few months?
Apparently not.
Last night, while scrubbing my apartment down in effort to find some sort of control over my circumstances, I guess, I stopped and perused facebook. A friend had posted these words from Paul in II Corinthians, "To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded for the Lord to take it away from me. He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness"... That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
I suddenly felt convicted. Here I was, so hurt and angry because of an injured knee. Yet, just a few days, I FOUND OUT THAT MY WORK VISA WAS APPROVED! I get to go home for Thanksgiving! God has proved to me that he is faithful, time and time again. Reading these verses made me think about how, while it is hard to recognize, God works in my weaknesses. I know, for certain, that God is behind me in this race. Yes, if I have to walk, or even miss, part of this race, I will be disappointed. But I will accept the grace of those who are sponsoring me and the grace of God.
Even when we are disappointed, when we fail to accomplish all that we hope, we can rest in God's grace and provision. What is more, we can rest assured that God works through our weaknesses. I am going to see a Physical Therapist this week, I've been swimming and cross training, and I will pray fervently that this race will be a possibility. But, in the end, I know that God will be behind me, before me, and beside me. Even if I am let down and inhibited by this injury, I will do my best to finish this race, even if it means walking for 26 miles, and I know that I can count on learning something in the process.
We currently have 18 of our 26 children sponsored. Please prayerfully consider sponsoring a child in need through World Vision and help us reach our goal! Clink on the world vision link located on the top left of this page.
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